hello world :3

this is the first blog post! Ever! On my own personal website!! YAY!!!!

I created most of this website in like a weekend and then kept adding onto it over the course of a couple weeks while moving into my apartment. The codes messy, but whateva!

I plan on acting authentically me on this site. I don't plan on being professional AT ALL here despite planning to use this for devlogs. There will be mental health talk at times, side tangents, and fuhreaking swearing probably??? so you better be all-growns-up if ur here.

anyways. its time for disorganized thoughts

reflection time

For my first post I kinda wanted to talk about my status and life in general. This past year was a really long road of heavy ups and downs for me. Perhaps the biggest growth year of my life. It led to me being pretty much completely inactive online the whole time (not that I've had much of an online presence ever to begin with). Anyways, I'm due for some open reflection, I think!

The past year was a year of making friends after a rough patch of events in my life, getting a lot more into the technical side of game development, and realizing, wow, I'm trans, and wow, I'm kinda depressed and I have OCD. And that OCD man. It explained a lot. I thought it was just organizing pens and stuff before. Anyways, it's all stuff I'm actively really working through. See I told you I was gonna be open!!

It was also a year of a lot of hard work, but work I never really shared. A lot of it was for school, other people's projects, or stuff I just scrapped. I just started to chalk a lot of my work up to "this is something I'm doing to get better so I can make good indie games eventually, but I don't think these are games/projects other people really wanna play/see, or that they represent what I want to make."

Which is stupid!! dumb! ass! way to think and I regret it! I do plan on sharing a couple of remnants of the past year I'm still proud of soon though with this whole sort of becoming-active-on-the-internet thing im doin now.

But it kinda clicked recently, man, who cares! Who cares what other people want to see, or if I think things are good enough.

That kinda leads to something else I've realized recently.

"the project"

I recently realized have this bad habit as a creative person I call "the project."

it can happen on a smaller scale or a grander, several-year-long scale, but you have an idea that becomes the project for you for a time (could be just a drawing, could be a whole game or movie or smthng idk). maybe you trick yourself into thinking its not "the one," but really you still treat it like "the one" even though you understand its just one of many things you could make, and rather than expanding the idea, you build it up, until its really intimidating-- and it changes when it becomes so intimidating because you've put so much stress in just thinking about it and you're so ashamed its not where you want it to be, that you finally give up on the old the project and realize you need a new the project...

The project is nice because every day you pretend like it's something that'll magically happen and be perfect someday while you work very lightly on it. It's just that comfort of, "oh, but I'm doing this all for the project" that makes each day feel like it has more purpose, even if you don't get enough done. Harsh but true, at least for me. And I think the answer may really just be to let yourself have fun with it. For me, I think it's mainly just... stop letting myself become trapped in my head with everything I make? Start finding the mistakes and imperfections funny and charming. Fun's why we started doing it in the end. I'm trying to stop seeing my ideas as projects, at all. Just something I do, with an endgoal of sorts.

This past year has been really fighting that negative, perfectionist, running-in-circles way of thinking a ton, working on lots of smaller things just for myself and friends. And currently, I'm not moving onto a "dream project." Just things more like what I truly want to make.

ANYWAYS MY POINT IS. im starting a REBELLION AGAINST THE FUCKING PROJECT. eeeeffff the project. I'm just getting started, u don't even know who I am! If ur an artist u can just be getting started too. We've got a whole life to live making things. lets take those ideas we're interested in right now, and make them right now. They'll be imperfect and messy as a result, and I think that's ok bc the best things in this world are imperfect... and because if you don't do it now, you'll just move on, and these ideas will never exist, u know??

This is something I want to start living by. Anyways

unrelated cool recent happenings

• i took a road trip and saw mcr live for like super cheap thanks to a lovely friend and it was awesome. pierce the veil opened. it was my dream.
• i moved into my first apartment ever! and am learning to cook more.
• i am starting some plans to release games under a studio name with friends out of college in the future!
• season 4 of gurblebop is coming out every wednesday
• tried learning to make music. check it out

da futore

Things I'm starting work on you can expect to see me post about on here are:

• my capstone project called Galageists (working with a team of friends)
• my personal RPG project called DeadHerring!

Anyways. I want to start sharing my things with the world.. Im ready........ as ill ever be.......!!! so thats why i made this site. and im also gonna start sharing on social media. just whatever. whateva on my brain, whateva i doodle, whatever mess i code or model... I'm very excited and hope you will stick around.